ACTIVE OR PASSIVE LISTENING.

How do I listen?
From my own point of few, I think I'm an active listener and also a passive listener, although I become passive on few occasions, when I have to be mindful of whatever I say, ''communication is irreversible'', because when I listen to people, I respond speaking a word or two that is active listening, not just facial expressions, so I expect people to reply the same way when I talk to them because, your response to an experience share with you can go a very long way in an individual's life.. I have a friend whom whenever who share ideas with her, she listens carefully, she would give her 100% attention, and by the time you finish explaining all you have in mind, she would not say a word, she might not even give you facial expressions which we could call the passive listening, she would only concentrate more on what she was doing before the conversation started, on a particular, I was pissed at this attitude and I asked her why she didn't reply to all I said, and she said ''I'm sorry'', I have already replied you in my mind, and I believe you should be able to know what I just thought of in my mind'', I was so surprised, but I concluded that she was just a 'silent active listener'... How do you listen?

PERCEPTION.

Human Assumption.
How do you judge people, the way they look? the way they talk? their peer groups ? or the way they dress?, though there is this popular saying that ''you are addressed the way you are dressed'', is this always true ? either mentally or physically, this has always kept a question on my lips....especially siting an example in the area where I grew up as a teenager.
Whenever two opposite sex teenagers are seen together in a lonely environment, they conclude that they are in a relationship, they won't even give a benefit of doubt, that they were probably just sharing ideas with each other, or just decided to take a walk...unfortunately, the ones that are usually taken as ''saints'' (the girls) are the ''green snakes under the green grass'', because they have never seen them with a male teenager just like them alone before, they conclude that they are well behaved girls, they are usually the ones that prepare to become a nursing mother while they are still in secondary school(high school), they become pregnant, and everyone begins to wonder how it happened....''Never judge people, always give them a benefit of doubt''.

AXIOMS OF COMMUNICATION

''COMMUNICATION IS A SKILL THAT YOU LEARN. IT IS LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE OR TYPING. IF YOU ARE WILLING TO WORK AT IT, YOU CAN RAPIDLY IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF EVERY PART OF YOUR LIFE''. Brain Tracy.

AXIOM  ONE; Communication is Inevitable i.e ''one cannot not communicate''.

Unless you are a Hermit, you cannot really avoid communicating, because every behavior is a kind of communication e.g someone who sings always' this explains that the person loves singing,people who are aware of each other are constantly communicating.Even the challenged people who are deaf and dumb still communicate. 

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THEY HAVE THEIR OWN WAY OF LEARNING

 HOW TO COMMUNICATE AS WELL.

Any perceivable behaviour, including the absence of action, has the potential to be interpreted by other people as having some meaning..this would lead us to.....

AXIOM TWO; Communication is Irreversible i.e ''you can't take it Back''.

Once you say something, it can't be undone, you can try to change the contents of what you actually said,make it sound better or make people think of something else, at the end of the day, you still said IT.

For example; A story about two very close friends, Sandra and Susan, they really loved each other but on this faithful day, they a serious quarrel among themselves, this made one of them ''Sandra'' report her friend ''Susan'' to the school authority that she practiced one of the prohibited habits of the school thinking the school would make their findings, but unfortunately, the school didn't because they felt she couldn't just lie against her friend '' very close friend''Sadly, Susan was suspended for a month from school and it was just two weeks to the schools' mid - term exam , now Sandra started feeling terrible because she could not reverse what she said, she actually tried to but she could ''not not say it again'' because the school authority now believed she only wanted to save her from that punishment because she is her close friend.

''Think before you act'' .I don't know about you, but there have been many times when I said something and then I wish I could go back and say it in a different way or erase what I  said from people's mind.It usually doesn't help much.Remember ''Never to make a promise you can't keep''.Its Irreversible.

AXIOM THREE; Communication is Unrepeatable i.e ''you can't re-do it''.

This ties into communication is irreversible, when you communicate in a way you wish you hadn't. Here, it could be verbal or non- verbal.

Verbal i.e communication with words,2 days ago, you argued with someone, and you are asked to repeat what you said word for word,it just doesn't work, you cannot ''re-do it'', the fact that you aren't even in the same mood as you were as at the time of the argument. The words' won't just come the way they were originally and you could have made one very nasty statement that period, watch what you say.''Never make a decision when you are angry''too.

Non - Verbal i.e you really do not need to speak here,what you wear could speak for you.''The way you are dressed, determines the way you would be addressed''.You are invited to a dinner party of about 2 hours drive away from your house, you were contemplating on wearing either a pink or a white beautiful dress you just got, you eventually decided to wear the pink dress, on getting to the party, you looked very gorgeous and everyone admired you, this does not mean if you wear this same dress to a dinner party where you have almost the same set of people again, you would still have such attention drawn to you.''it is unreapeatable''. Some people say Communication is actually repeatable, I think that's only if it is a Quote or if it was put in to Writing.

My view about COMMUNICATION...

What's Your's?

THE NIGERIAN CULTURE

 Traditional Marriage In Nigeria-Nigeria Has Three Basic Ethnic Groups, The Yoruba, Igbo and Hausa.

Yoruba Traditional Marriage

Marriage is an essential institution in the Yoruba culture and history. Their wedding ceremony have always been colourful and very festive.  Families and friends are dressed in their brightest and best attires.

Yoruba man usually purse his traditional Yoruba woman by direct approach or by approaching member of the bride’s family or any other way they deemed fit.  Once they agreed that they love each other and will like to take the relationship to the next stage, they will both inform their parents.  The consent of the bride’s family is important and the groom and his family are usually happy to have that consent.  Yoruba traditional marriage entails two stages which are introduction and engagement.

The introductory stage entails the groom family introducing themselves to the bride’s family and making their intension known that they wants their daughter’s hand in marriage to their son.  This is usually done through an intermediary called Olopa Iduor (appointed speaker for the groom side) and Olopa Ijoko (appointed speaker for the bride side).

The ceremony takes place in the bride’s house and they are responsible for all the preparations and costs.  Before the groom’s family enters the bride’s home, they kneel to show the bride’s family respect.  Promptness to the bride’s house is of utmost importance.  If the groom is not punctual, the family may be asked  may be asked to pay a fee.  The ''Olopa Iduro'' and ''Olopa Ijoko'' sit at the middle while the two families sits at the opposite side of each other.  Once everyone is introduced, a proposal letter is presented to the bride’s family by ''Olopa Iduro'' who reads it aloud and in return, an acceptance letter is given to the groom’s family by ''Olopa Ijoko'' and a date is fixed for the engagement ceremony

 

The engagement ceremony is also held at the bride’s house.  During the engagement ceremony, the groom’s family are expected to bring the items listed in the marriage list given to them by the bride’s family.  Items listed in the bride’s letter depends on each family but usually include such things as yam, goat, box of clothes, salt fish drink, wine, rings and other items deemed necessary. 

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A PICTURE OF THE YORUBA BRIDE PRICE.

Some Yoruba culture accepts dowries at the engagement ceremony.  Dowry payment may be in form of goods but consists of money most of the time.  Reason for dowry payment is to test the patience and endurance of the groom and compensation of the bride’s family for raising her.  The bride and groom exchange rings and vows and are pronounced husband and wife thereafter

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THESE ARE PICTURES OF THE NEW COUPLE,IT'S USUALLY A VERY BEAUTIFUL CEREMONY.

 

 

 

             THE IGBO TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE.

This is similar to the Yoruba traditional marriage.They also do the introduction between both families first,then they decide a date for the main traditional ceremony where extended family members and friends come together to rejoice with the new couple.The bridge is usually dressed in a complete Igbo traditional wear.

THE PICTURE OF AN IGBO BRIDE(EDO TRIBE)

 

THE PICTURE OF AN IGBO BRIDE WITH HER FRIENDS DANCING BEHIND HER.

In the Igbo culture, the bride would dance round the center  of the gathering with a cup of wine in her hand, she is expected to search for her husband, kneel at his front and give the wine to him, then he collects the wine and drinks everything in the cup, then put money in it, and dances to the middle with his bride, it is also usually a wonderful ceremony, the Igbo tribe also pay the bride price known as Dowry ,this is a list of the Igbo bride price.

 For The Ngwa Efere

Yams -40 pieces                                                                                                                                       

Okporoko - 2
Ukwa anu ewu - 2
Morning rose powder - 24
Pomade - 20
Sugar - 10 packets
Ovaltine - 2 big size
Bar soap - 1 carton
Tablet soap - 1 carton
Tin milk - 1 carton
Bread - 24 loaves
Salt - 2 bags
Rice - 1 bag
Tomatoes tin - 1 carton
Red (palm)oil - 1 tin
Groundnut oil - 1 rubber
Kerosene - 1 tin
Maltina drink - 2  cartons
Soft drink - 6 crates
Onions  - 40 bulbs
Ego ala abo -  -N- 10,000
Ego nfotu ite -  -N- 1000
Big basin - 2
Big umbrella - 2
George material - 2 pieces
Hollandis material - 2 pieces
Blouse material - 2 pieces
Head ties - 2
Wrist watch - 1
shoes - 2 pairs
Big box - 1
Lamp - 1
Hand bag - 1
Nigerian wax - 1 piece
Gold necklace and ear ring - 1 piece.

 

 

THE HAUSA TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE.

The Hausa cultural marriage is based mostly on the Islamic marriage, starting from introduction to wedding proper. Unlike other cultures, the introductory part of the Hausa marriage is brief, not time consuming, and less expensive. When a man sees the girl of his choice he first seek for permission from her parents, after which the girls parents will have to make some kind of investigation about the man regarding his background, moral ethics and of course his religious believes, before he is allowed to see the girl only when found eligible. According to the Hausa tradition, the man is not allowed to spend a long time in seeing the girl and this is done to avoid any physical and or romantic contact, courtship before marriage is not encouraged in the Hausa tradition. Once the girl accepts the offer, the man sends his parents or guardians to formally seek for the girl’s hand in marriage.
Seeking for the girl’s hand in marriage varies amongst the Hausa people, as earlier mentioned, there are other ethnic groups having different modes of marriage introduction, nevertheless the most common method used includes, grooms parents or guardians visiting the girl’s parents with certain gift items, i.e kolanuts, candies and chocolates and in some cases bags of salt. During this visit which is an occasion on its own, the groom’s make their intention known thereby introducing the boy, his background and profile, the bride price or dowry is made through bargain starting from the minimum of what the Hausas called “Rubu Dinar”, its an Arabic phrase translated as “quarter kilogram of a gold piece” to the highest amount the man can afford. The wedding date is also set which is agreed upon by both sides. Bride price or dowries are preferred not to be very high or expensive, it is part of the teachings of Islam that the less amount paid as bride price or dowry produce the most blessed marriage.

HAUSA CULTURAL WEDDING EVENTS

Due to the diverse ethnicity in Hausa land, the cultural wedding events varies but the most commonly used by most Hausa people are as follows;

KAMU
This is one of the historical events in the Hausa cultural wedding which dates back to the origin of the hausa people, kamu signifies the cleansing of the bride , henna mixed with some herbs, scents and flowers of plants are applied to her body covering most part of the body for just some minutes, which is later washed away with a mixture or flowers and perfume in water. This mixture smoothes the skin and making the bride look fresh and more attractive. Another mixture of henna is used to make beautifully decorated designs on the bride’s hands, palms and legs. Henna design makes the bride not only astonishing but unique.

KAYAN LEFE
This refers to the clothing the groom presents to his bride, well arranged in boxes or bags ranging from materials of different kinds, shoes and bags, cosmetics to jewelries, the Holy Qur’an andpraying carpet areincluded in the” kayan lefe”. The “kayan lefe” is presented by the groom’s family either before the wedding day or on the wedding day. The groom’s family is also presented with gift items in terms of cash or kind by the bride’s family as appreciation.

WEDDING FATIHA
This is the most significant event in the Hausa cultural marriage, it is done at the brides residence or at the mosque, family and friends of both the groom and bride gather at the location to witness the wedding vows, unlike other marriages the wedding vows in the hausa cultural marriage is done by the representatives of the groom and the bride precided over by an Islamic leader witnessed by many invited guests. Prayers are offered to the newly wedded couple and celebration continues.

CONVEYING OF THE BRIDE TO HER MATRIMONIAL HOME
After the wedding fatiha, immediately or much later depending on the arrangement, the bride is accompanied by family and friends to her new home whom are well received by the groom’s family. This is not the end of events in the hausa cultural marriage.
In some parts of hausa land the “sayan baki” which is a friendly debate between the groom’s men and the bride’s maids, debating on the amount to be paid before the bride speaks to her groom. This is a way of making them to socialize and later have a greater relationship which is marriage.
In another part “Budan kai” meaning the “Unveiling of the bride” is another event organized by the groom’s family in order to honor and welcome the bride to her new family. During this occasion the bride is presented with gifts both in cash and in kind.
“Walimah” is also an event which normally follows the “Budan kai” it is the recitation of the Holy Qur’an and preaching on how tom live a marital life and other issues. Food, drinks as well as other pleasantries are always available in the Hausa cultural marriage events.
These events are mostly done by the Muslims of the Hausa land, the Christians have their own cultural wedding events.

 Credits:

Article: Fatsuma Musa Mugaji

 

 

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Pictures Of The Hausa Traditional Marriage.